The nation now knows the precise size of publicist Max Clifford’s penis, after it was read it out in court. But does size matter to most women? Claire Cohen reports.
Pencil penis. Lovemuscle. Trouser snake. Third leg. Stubby.
Remember all those playground names for the male appendage, big and small?
Max Clifford probably does.
This week, the celebrity agent had the size of his manhood dissected by four women in court, during his trial for indecent assault. Each gave a conflicting report, ranging from 'enormous' to the less flattering 'micropenis'.
Clifford's counsel hit back.
A doctor had measured his penis, explained barrister Richard Horwell QC, at five and a quarter inches when soft. "Not freakishly small and certainly not enormous."
So far, so flaccid.
But it is food for thought. I mean, when was the last time you actually thought properly - in metric terms - about penis size? Probably not since you had a ruler in your pencil case and giggled with friends over the 'average' dimensions described in the pages of Just 17. Right?
While the Sex and the City girls might have kiss and told over brunch (I distinctly remember Samantha describing one penis as like "a wall of flesh coming towards me" - terrifying for a virgin), should the rest of us even care?
Those who subscribe to a romantic view, don't. If you love someone then it's what they do with it that counts. After all, historically we wouldn't have got a glimpse at the goods before our wedding night. You just had to stick with what you got.
A quick survey of friends shows what I fully expected: we're all different. Some favour length, others girth. One just wants something inoffensive that won't "catch my eye when he's getting out of the shower". Who knows? Maybe we all have different parameters too, hence the wildly varying descriptions at Clifford's trial.
What I do know, is that few women want to unzip something porn-star sized. One friend described her alarm when confronted with a penis "like a can of Diet Coke, or the girth of a fist."
Which makes it all the more strange when I hear men talk about trimming their pubic hair in order to appear larger. All this says to me is that penis size is a peculiarly male obsession.
Think about it - all those jokes about showboating in locker rooms, or size comparison at the urinals continue long into adulthood, while women have long since shelved the rulers.
My straight female friends have no idea what the exact size of their other halves' bits are.
So, chaps, a piece of advice: it's just a penis. Use what you have; or use something else.
Pencil penis. Lovemuscle. Trouser snake. Third leg. Stubby.
Remember all those playground names for the male appendage, big and small?
Max Clifford probably does.
This week, the celebrity agent had the size of his manhood dissected by four women in court, during his trial for indecent assault. Each gave a conflicting report, ranging from 'enormous' to the less flattering 'micropenis'.
Clifford's counsel hit back.
A doctor had measured his penis, explained barrister Richard Horwell QC, at five and a quarter inches when soft. "Not freakishly small and certainly not enormous."
So far, so flaccid.
But it is food for thought. I mean, when was the last time you actually thought properly - in metric terms - about penis size? Probably not since you had a ruler in your pencil case and giggled with friends over the 'average' dimensions described in the pages of Just 17. Right?
While the Sex and the City girls might have kiss and told over brunch (I distinctly remember Samantha describing one penis as like "a wall of flesh coming towards me" - terrifying for a virgin), should the rest of us even care?
Those who subscribe to a romantic view, don't. If you love someone then it's what they do with it that counts. After all, historically we wouldn't have got a glimpse at the goods before our wedding night. You just had to stick with what you got.
A quick survey of friends shows what I fully expected: we're all different. Some favour length, others girth. One just wants something inoffensive that won't "catch my eye when he's getting out of the shower". Who knows? Maybe we all have different parameters too, hence the wildly varying descriptions at Clifford's trial.
What I do know, is that few women want to unzip something porn-star sized. One friend described her alarm when confronted with a penis "like a can of Diet Coke, or the girth of a fist."
Which makes it all the more strange when I hear men talk about trimming their pubic hair in order to appear larger. All this says to me is that penis size is a peculiarly male obsession.
Think about it - all those jokes about showboating in locker rooms, or size comparison at the urinals continue long into adulthood, while women have long since shelved the rulers.
My straight female friends have no idea what the exact size of their other halves' bits are.
So, chaps, a piece of advice: it's just a penis. Use what you have; or use something else.
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