How do you trust someone in an intimate relationship? Most of us have been touched at some point in our lives by the hurt of betrayal or abandonment in an intimate relationship, whether by a parent, lover, friend, wife or husband.
On the cover of tabloids, we see stories every day of people cheating on one another and leaving long-term relationships for someone new. These popular negative messages and familiar experiences can make anyone feel pessimistic about love and become fearful, leaving them to ask if it it truly possible to be in a relationship that could be worthy of their trust.
1. Let him plan date night Trust is learned and earned—you’ll grant it, over time, to those who act supportive, dependable, and trustworthy, says Luchies. To give your partner opportunities to strut his stuff, ask him to make decisions that affect you. Start small: let him choose a restaurant. When he picks a place that suits your palate—not the burger joint he frequents with his friends—you’ll feel more comfortable relying on him for bigger decisions.
2. Show him your flaws Not everyone can tally a dinner tab tip in her head, or wake up in the morning with her hair as well-coiffed as it was the night before. But when you let him see your true colors, you give him the opportunity to accept the real you—even it reflects your insecurities. Once you realize that he won’t berate you for your math skills, or reject you for your bed head, you’ll feel more comfortable revealing bigger things—like life goals and family issues—and trust that he’ll be totally supportive.
3. Confide in him If you leave your office fuming, don’t keep it all in when you meet him for after-work drinks. “By and large, you get what you give,” says Joel Block, Ph.D., a certified couples therapist and author of more than 20 books on love and sex, including Broken Promises, Mended Hearts: Maintaining Trust In Love Relationships. “If you’re open and self-revealing, your partner is more likely to be more open with you.”
4. Don’t judge Every time your partner tells you something personal—like the major mistake he made at work—it’s a critical moment that can either strengthen your intimacy or deteriorate it, says Block. If you criticize his behavior or dismiss his feelings, he’ll think twice about confiding in you next time. To make him feel accepted and promote more self-disclosure, express empathy and suggest solutions. And if he judges you? Say this: “I need to feel safe confiding in you and right now I feel attacked.”
5. Keep your promises “Trust goes both ways,” says Luchies. Meaning? If you’re not dependable, you can’t expect your partner to be. To show him you’re trustworthy, be accountable: If he asks you to watch his intramural basketball game, show up before the first buzzer to secure a bleacher seat where he can see you from the court. And if you say you’ll call him before bed, actually pick up the phone before you tuck in.
6. Be yourself in front of others If you tell him you got a measly raise, and tell his parents about your absolutely A-M-A-Z-I-N-G promotion, he’ll wonder what else you’re capable of hiding. Present yourself accurately no matter what crowd you’re in, and you’ll show him you’re a person who’s worthy of his trust.
7. Tell him the truth “Even small lies are like psychological termites,” says Block. “They take unnoticeable bites over time and eventually weaken the foundation of your relationship.” So if your new statement bag cost more than what your guy earns in a month, be honest when he asks what you paid.
8. Arrive on time If you say you’ll be over at 7, but miss your train, call him to say you’ll be closer to 8:10. Being on time isn’t just considerate: it’s part of being able to count on someone, says Block. And if he knows he can count on you, then he’ll make more of an effort to show that he’s equally dependable.
9. Take his side…or at least be diplomatic Sometimes it’s more important to be supportive than it is to be right. When you’re brought into an argument between him and his buddy, stand up for your guy. And when he’s wrong? Say, “You both have good points, and I can see where you’re both coming from.” Then, discuss it later in private.
10. Avoid unnecessary secrecy Especially if your partner has been betrayed before—or worse: you’ve cheated on him—it’s important to be as open as possible. So tell him who you’re texting. And leave your phone unlocked. “Don’t think of it as supervision. It’s making a choice to help the other person heal,” says Block.
1. Let him plan date night Trust is learned and earned—you’ll grant it, over time, to those who act supportive, dependable, and trustworthy, says Luchies. To give your partner opportunities to strut his stuff, ask him to make decisions that affect you. Start small: let him choose a restaurant. When he picks a place that suits your palate—not the burger joint he frequents with his friends—you’ll feel more comfortable relying on him for bigger decisions.
2. Show him your flaws Not everyone can tally a dinner tab tip in her head, or wake up in the morning with her hair as well-coiffed as it was the night before. But when you let him see your true colors, you give him the opportunity to accept the real you—even it reflects your insecurities. Once you realize that he won’t berate you for your math skills, or reject you for your bed head, you’ll feel more comfortable revealing bigger things—like life goals and family issues—and trust that he’ll be totally supportive.
3. Confide in him If you leave your office fuming, don’t keep it all in when you meet him for after-work drinks. “By and large, you get what you give,” says Joel Block, Ph.D., a certified couples therapist and author of more than 20 books on love and sex, including Broken Promises, Mended Hearts: Maintaining Trust In Love Relationships. “If you’re open and self-revealing, your partner is more likely to be more open with you.”
4. Don’t judge Every time your partner tells you something personal—like the major mistake he made at work—it’s a critical moment that can either strengthen your intimacy or deteriorate it, says Block. If you criticize his behavior or dismiss his feelings, he’ll think twice about confiding in you next time. To make him feel accepted and promote more self-disclosure, express empathy and suggest solutions. And if he judges you? Say this: “I need to feel safe confiding in you and right now I feel attacked.”
5. Keep your promises “Trust goes both ways,” says Luchies. Meaning? If you’re not dependable, you can’t expect your partner to be. To show him you’re trustworthy, be accountable: If he asks you to watch his intramural basketball game, show up before the first buzzer to secure a bleacher seat where he can see you from the court. And if you say you’ll call him before bed, actually pick up the phone before you tuck in.
6. Be yourself in front of others If you tell him you got a measly raise, and tell his parents about your absolutely A-M-A-Z-I-N-G promotion, he’ll wonder what else you’re capable of hiding. Present yourself accurately no matter what crowd you’re in, and you’ll show him you’re a person who’s worthy of his trust.
7. Tell him the truth “Even small lies are like psychological termites,” says Block. “They take unnoticeable bites over time and eventually weaken the foundation of your relationship.” So if your new statement bag cost more than what your guy earns in a month, be honest when he asks what you paid.
8. Arrive on time If you say you’ll be over at 7, but miss your train, call him to say you’ll be closer to 8:10. Being on time isn’t just considerate: it’s part of being able to count on someone, says Block. And if he knows he can count on you, then he’ll make more of an effort to show that he’s equally dependable.
9. Take his side…or at least be diplomatic Sometimes it’s more important to be supportive than it is to be right. When you’re brought into an argument between him and his buddy, stand up for your guy. And when he’s wrong? Say, “You both have good points, and I can see where you’re both coming from.” Then, discuss it later in private.
10. Avoid unnecessary secrecy Especially if your partner has been betrayed before—or worse: you’ve cheated on him—it’s important to be as open as possible. So tell him who you’re texting. And leave your phone unlocked. “Don’t think of it as supervision. It’s making a choice to help the other person heal,” says Block.
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