The maxim "He knows me better than I know myself"? Well, it probably doesn't hold true when it comes to pleasure centres. If you're like many women, you have had a long-term relationship and, with concentration, can yourself get the deed done during a commercial break-without even muting the TV-if you so choose.
All jokes aside, masturbation is important because it "lets you take control of your satisfaction," says Prabha Nagaraja, executive director of TARSHI, a New Delhibased NGO that works on issues of sexuality. In India, there is still a sense of shame in exploring one's sexuality but Prabha stresses on the importance of women giving themselves permission to appreciate their sensuality.
"It is a safe way of learning about one's body-what is pleasurable and what isn't." Add to that: masturbation is a pressure release, a natural sleeping pill and a plain old-fashioned good time (as if we needed to sell you on it). Still, even if you and your vagina are so in sync you finish each other's sentences, your sex life with yourself, like with any long-term partner, has room for improvement. So put away your vibrator.
Not forever-just for a few minutes. Because to improve your self-loving skills, the best place to start is the mind. "Seduce yourself," suggests sex coach Amy Levine, founder of IgniteYourPleasure. com. That doesn't mean making a rose-petal path to your bed, but some low-maintenance pampering can get you in the mood. Levine recommends playing soft music and lighting candles. Porn works too, if that's your thing. So does eyes-closed fantasising. Says sexuality educator Timaree Schmit, Ph.D.: "Envision a situation that turns you on, and let it fully develop. Never judge yourself or say you should be thinking about something or someone differently. There's no so-called thought police." Once you've worked yourself into a mental lather, focus on your body. Levine suggests starting with a slow full-body self-massage.
You already know the one or two spots that can send you over the edge, but now is your chance to discover untapped sources of pleasure. Levine says to pay special attention to your neck, the back of your knees, your thighs and your perineum, which is the stretch of skin between your vagina and anal opening. After your massage, avoid falling into your time-worn getting-off pattern. Switch up your position, suggests Levine: if you always masturbate while lying on your back, try it on all fours, or sitting in a comfortable chair, or even standing, bent over a table or the bed.
Try kneeling as if you're straddling your partner. Variety is key to your sex life, so why shouldn't that extend to your self-love life? If you need more convincing, know this: by masturbating the same way every time, you might have more difficulty getting off when you're with a partner. So stay flexible. Speaking of which, consider taking a yoga classand then getting it on with yourself as soon as you arrive home, says Levine. "The breath work and the flow of the poses allow us to be in the moment and out of our head," she says. In other words, yoga can diminish all those thoughts of your boss, your bank account or whatever other worries might distract you.
Perfect your technique at home. "Just as each of us has different tastes in food, we will each also be stimulated in different ways," says Dr Rajan Bhonsle, honorary professor and HOD, department of sexual medicine, KEM hospital, Mumbai. "Discover what turns you on and this will help you in experiencing pleasure with or without a partner. Get creative with your fingers-whether it's to stimulate your clitoris or to set out on The Great G-Spot Hunt. The G-spot is a couple of inches inside the vagina, on the front wall. "Try to find an area the size of a small coin that feels raised, ridged or firmer than the tissue around it," says Charlie Glickman, Ph.D., a sexuality educator. "It's often easier to find when you're turned on, as it swells." And the good news is that you don't need toys to get you going. Vibrators operate on a single frequency-your fingers, on the other hand, will do what you make them do. "Just do what feels best for you, and maintain hygiene at all times," says Bhonsle. All that matters is that you feel good. And if you're playing sexy music, massaging yourself and writhing in a chair while feeling good, all the better.
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